just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
