she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
