happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
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