my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
