What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
