hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
