i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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