break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
