i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
