i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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