Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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