my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
