can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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