I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
