Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Randomize
