Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
