was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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