Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
