The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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