i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
