neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
