she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
