so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
