): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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