the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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