Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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