On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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