census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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