We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Randomize
