and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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