She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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