I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
we're making bets on your personal life
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
