Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
