I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
