I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
