alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
