im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
