i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
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