I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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