life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
