Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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