So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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