She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Randomize
