Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
