You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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