; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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