My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
