before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize