Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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