no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
