dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
