How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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