I've blown a few things in my day
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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