How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
